We're village people- not the band no, the kind who were lucky enough to be raised in a secluded homely environment without the noise and pollution of the city (take note however, later I will prove this is far from true.) Living in a village has it's perks and it's something that's defined my character over the years and made me a bit of a homebird if I stray too far away. However it certainly has it's quirks and downfalls as well and these are what I will be lovingly outlining for you today. If you have ever resided in a village at some point in your life you will know the following:
~ Public Transport is Shit ~
~ Public Transport is Shit ~
Probably the biggest pet peeve I have about my home is how bloody appalling the local bus service is. IF and only IF they turn up (which is highly unlikely) it will be in the most battered and bruised pile of shitty metal that Go North East (or your relevant bus company) has on offer. It will more than likely break down before you get to the next down and if you dare (and I mean god damn dare) try and use it at peak time you will find yourself unable to depart said nightmare because school children are blocking the exit. Please little terrors, use your own bus service. It has to be better than this. Honorable mentions are the lack of trains, airports or even trams. I'd take a tram, seriously.
~ Everybody 'knows' you ~
The old man from the other side of the village, the creepy aunt like figure who runs the corner shop, the overly happy couple who moved down the road that we have yet to break- they all say hello. I can't count the amount of times I've been out walking with my Mam and some randomer has said hello and I've had to ask her who they were (Mam's know everybody right?) only to be told she's never seen them in her life. Cue running down the back lane in horror before you get kidnapped and forced to watch Bargain Hunt. It's lovely really but also weirdly unnerving. Nothing screws your brain over more than trying to remember if you've maybe had an altercation with a 95 year old man at some point in your short life.
~ 'THAT' Village Hall ~
You know the one- that awkwardly positioned concrete block that only sees the light of day during local/general elections (like we need any more of those) or ill-fated events, the ones you see scribbled in crayons by children on boards outside that nobody ever attends. It's a good attempt at community spirit but an unsuccessful one. You're more likely to meet people and bond at the local co-op over the rising price of milk and bread. Friends are made here.
You know the one- that awkwardly positioned concrete block that only sees the light of day during local/general elections (like we need any more of those) or ill-fated events, the ones you see scribbled in crayons by children on boards outside that nobody ever attends. It's a good attempt at community spirit but an unsuccessful one. You're more likely to meet people and bond at the local co-op over the rising price of milk and bread. Friends are made here.
~ Boozers ~
Up until some years back my village had a LOT of pubs. Pub here, pub there, pubs everywhere! As every anti-government document will tell you we have been royally screwed over and pubs are shutting at an alarming rate. Terrible for the community but quite nice when the majority of your childhood was spent waking up at 3am on a Saturday to the sound of "GARY'S FUCKING PISSED" and a middle aged bald man slamming face first onto the pavement outside your house. I always wonder how Gary is and what he does with his life now we only have a very dead working man's club on the other side. Let's take a moment for the Gary's of the world.
Up until some years back my village had a LOT of pubs. Pub here, pub there, pubs everywhere! As every anti-government document will tell you we have been royally screwed over and pubs are shutting at an alarming rate. Terrible for the community but quite nice when the majority of your childhood was spent waking up at 3am on a Saturday to the sound of "GARY'S FUCKING PISSED" and a middle aged bald man slamming face first onto the pavement outside your house. I always wonder how Gary is and what he does with his life now we only have a very dead working man's club on the other side. Let's take a moment for the Gary's of the world.
~ Car Parking Spaces ~
You have an overwhelming amount of them considering there is next to nothing in your village yet it is still a fight to the death. If I want to park outside the Co op for five seconds to grab a meal deal this requires precise timing and ninja skills at parking. War has been declared when some chav in his pimped out Corsa steals your spot with the traditional 'Oi Oi' as his succesful battle cry. Don't start me on back lanes as well, trying to park after returning from a day out requires weaving around curiously parked cars like your on some Top Gear racetrack. You're only safe when you're on your drive.
You have an overwhelming amount of them considering there is next to nothing in your village yet it is still a fight to the death. If I want to park outside the Co op for five seconds to grab a meal deal this requires precise timing and ninja skills at parking. War has been declared when some chav in his pimped out Corsa steals your spot with the traditional 'Oi Oi' as his succesful battle cry. Don't start me on back lanes as well, trying to park after returning from a day out requires weaving around curiously parked cars like your on some Top Gear racetrack. You're only safe when you're on your drive.
Of course I loved growing up in a village. It's peaceful to an extent and it's nice not having the hustle and bustle of a city to contend with as well as every other kind of teenage angst you have to deal with in your pre-adult existence. Would I stay here for life? Maybe, maybe not. After all the world is your oyster and villages? They're the beardy bit you have to remove.
